Friday, August 25, 2006

Moustaches can never be defeated (aka the YANKEES WIN!!)...

Let me say it right now and up front, I HATE THE RED SOX. I HATE BOSTON. Well not really the town, just any A-Hole who likes the Red Sox. The rivalry between Boston and New York has been going on forever. Basically they suck at baseball and we don't. For some good info click this. Now that I got that out of the way here is the post.

So, I think I have been high this entire week. Not on an actual drug, but on a mix of joy and lack of sleep. The Red Sox got massacred last weekend and earlier this week (P.S. it also happened back in 1978 ha). Most of the games were long and exciting. Mostly because the Yankees bludgeoned the Sox to death, 49 Yankee runs to Boston's 26, but there were quite a few times that I was biting on my nails. The Yankees pulled off the sweep and in the process crushed that town. I bet they all went home and cried in their Chowda like a bunch of babies. Or maybe they cuddled up with some lobsters or something. All I have to say is Eat it Boston!

But that is not the real point of this post. The point is that I think I figured out the key to the Yankees success. The key to their collective success is the all powerful Moustache! That is right the Yankees are winning on pure moustache power. And it all started with the man, the myth, the 'stache, Sal Fasano.

His influence on the Yankees line-up has been dramatic. Basically he showed the other players that they needed to grow some balls. When he came over he may have trimmed the 'stache but there was no way in hell he was shaving it off. Pretty much he told George Steinbrenner to shove it. That's ballsy right there. Then he threw down a challenge to all of the other Yankees.

Sal was all like, "Ay YO! Youse guys gotta grow some balls and some moustaches then we can win some ball games."

And the rest of the team was like, "Please don't hurt us Mr. Fasano."

That's right even that sweaty behemoth Giambi backed down. So shortly after this pep talk the Giambino was the first to start growing a French Tickler. And look at what it has done for his game! I mean steroids never gave him this kind of energy right? Giambi's 'stache may not look pretty but it gets the job done. Shortly after Giambi's conversion to lip rugs, Johnny Damon hopped on the band wagon. Now Damon really loves the facial hair. Back when he was on the Red Sox he looked like Captain Caveman. I have been kind of disappointed with his attempt so far. When I first saw Damon I couldn't tell if this was an attempt to grow a 'stache or if he forgot to wipe some chocolate milk or mass from his upper lip. Either way he has been "Simply Demonic!" since he has stopped shaving. And lastly we have Jaret Wright. Ahh Jaret Wright, when will you decide to either be a pitcher or completely suck? This guy is so aggravating. Come on hook a brother up either get yourself designated for assignment or get it together. Anyways, it seems at this point that Jaret will try anything. Once uncle Sal gave all the boys a talking to he jumped right on board. Jaret's 'stache is in the same grey area like Damon's. In that way you can say that his 'stache is like his pitching, not all there and kinda crappy. I am hoping it comes in though so he can start to tear it up. Here is a pick of all of the guys. This image is from

The only person who is not happy with the power of facial hair is the overlord of the evil empire himself...Darth Vader! Wait I mean George Steibrenner! Man Boston's management is so clever, evil empire they kill me. Anyway Big Stein likes his players to keep it clean and he does not find moustaches all that sanitary. I mean you don't know what could get trapped in those freaking things, right George? Well I say cry your eyes out Mr. Steinbrenner, I will take Victory any day, even if it comes with a hairy lip that has some crusty food stuffs on it.

Despite Mr. Steinbrenner's tears the rest of the team better recognize and get on the moustache express asap. My number one vote for the next guy that needs a moustache is A-Rod. This guy is a complete tool and a moustache may be the only way to fix him. Here is an artist rendering of what his moustache may look like.

See even Shaq likes him now. And Shaq is the master of Shaq-Fu! That is what the A-man needs, some sick hairy lip action. He also needs to stop sucking.

When thinking about moustaches I did not want to limit my thoughts to just the Yankees. That would not be fair. So I began to think of another guy who could really use some help. And here is what I came up with.

Our beloved president, George Walker Bush used to have a slight cocaine problem. For all of you out there who do not know cocaine is a drug and drugs are bad. Anyway the leader of the free world used to have a cocaine problem. So if I ever get a time machine this will help the president the past when he used to do cocaine. See this is what George may have looked like when all cracked up on cocaine.

And here is what he would look like if he grew a moustache.

Besides looking super sexy he could deny, deny, deny that he has a cocaine problem. For all you know that could be powdered sugar, or parmesan cheese, or angel dust in his moustache. If only he could keep his big mouth shut. We can always hope right? Although he could be talking about Coca Cola. However that is not very likely since he used to have a cocaine problem. Anyway there you go, if I ever get a time machine I am going to hook a brother up with some sage like advice about growing a moustache.

Let's Go Yankees!


P.S. for more moustache fun check out the old 'stache post I did, click HERE!


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